if you could hear me

i would offer these to you.

you just need a little

{images via here}

just because

sigh

i dream of you

there you are

{image unknown}

inspired

take me there

travelling heart

i'm not sure how far my heart has travelled this year.
but it has been a long way. a very long way.
how does it go?
all the way to the moon. and back?
i think that's how it goes.

the saddest summary

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.”
— Louis E. Boone

{image} passeriformes' flickr

will she

will she not just fly. but soar.
will she fall in love with a boy. with good hair.
that falls. just so.

will he be musical. and sporty.

and love her. with a sublime love.

an everlasting love.

will he see. what we see.

will she always forgive me. for loving her.

too much. for not always. getting it right.
will she believe in herself. truly.
will she understand. that to me she is perfect.

just the way she is. nothing added.

nothing taken away.
will she ever see the beauty that i see.

that everyone else sees.

will she find herself. and love herself.

every bump and scratch.
will she go to new york one day. without me.

will she always write on her hand. and drink tea.
will she take her time. will she stop and breathe.

dare to dream. and never forget.

how to be brave.

will she never settle for less. but stay true to herself.
will she not lose heart. nor take it to heart.
will she never stop learning. growing.

or wanting to know.
will she look out for the weak. or the sad.

like she does now.

love them. nurture them.
will she live near the beach after all. or end up.
somewhere cold. so she can play with snow.
will she remember how to make. paper cranes.
will she always be looking out. for number 13.
will she know that day 1 is always the hardest.
and that it gets easier.
after day 99.

will she always want pictures on her wall.

will she still want to go shopping. when we are older.

will she let me spoil her kids.
will she always carry the flame. the lamp to her feet.

and know how to find her way home.

will she miss me. when i am gone.

{images} 1. maggie lochtenberg's flickr 2. mike g.k.'s flickr 3. marcinethequeen flickr; 4. passeriformes' flickr

i got the news today

well.
it's been a long time between posts.
been a bit busy with the breast cancer thing.
and the 10 hour surgery thing.
and the 13 days in hospital thing.

the pain. in the first 7 days. was horrific.
the inability to sleep. the inability to get the pain under control. i didn't think i'd get through it. it was plain awful.

but then the news on the 7th day that I was cancer free.
cured.
no need for further treatment.
miraculous.

i remember when she told me. i was reading a book.
my family were 10 minutes away. so i was on my own.
the surgeon walked in and smiled.

she never smiles.
not really.
so i sort of knew.
i said.
good news?
she said.
great news.

she left the room. and i went back to reading my book.
i know. strange.

finally i stopped. i looked out the window to the pretty view.
and tried to comprehend what had just happened.
it had been 5 months of uncertainty.
i'd had major surgery. more complex than heart surgery.
i'd had my breasts removed and replaced with new ones.
new ones that i couldn't even bring myself to look at. not properly.
not yet.

but in the end. it was all worth it. to get that news.
and then the tears came. not alot. just enough.
until the family got there. and i told them.
all in shock. all so happy.
after the months of bad news.
the good news came. the great news.
the gracious news.
in an instant i had gone from a cancer sufferer.
to a cancer survivor.
just like that.

i am not sure why it has taken me so long to write.
about something so wonderful.
why is that?
why is it easier to write about suffering.
than joy?

i've been busy. sure.
busy getting better. recovering. resting. getting strong.
busy dealing with other heartache and trauma in our family.
but still. you'd think i would have made the time by now.

funny.
how joy is sometimes hard.

i am truly thankful.
no doubt.
i just wish every woman with breast cancer.
was as fortunate. in the end.
as me.

i am not sure why the sun shines for me today.
and not for others.
i am not sure why my friend sheila had to die.
and i get to live.
i do believe in a God who saves. and who loves.
who has poured his graciousness out on me.

but even in my joy.
i am sad.

i got the news today....

{image via the freckled cup}

looking forward

we can't change what is.
we can't undo the past or the things over which we have no control.
and no say in.
we can only take hold of today.
and make of tomorrow what we can.
keeping our dreams intact.
keeping our path straight. lest we stray.
and lose ourselves.
in the process.
thank you for not allowing me.
to get lost.
in all of this.
come with me won't you?
come with me towards the light.
it's just around the bend.
i can see it. taste it. feel it.
even if you can't.
i have strength enough.
for both of us.
trust me.




{image via The Drifter and the Gypsy Flickr}