mother's day

we talked. he and i.
we've talked before
about it all.
the why.
but we've never gone back
to the agony
how afraid i was of losing him
how brave he was.
he said
you saved me mum.
you saved me.
he sobbed
and wondered when he was ever going to grow up.
stop being so selfish.
i said.
you are growing up.
every day.
we held each other and sobbed.
and sobbed.
it was mother's day.
what a gift.
no greater gift.
than to have him there with me.
healthy. aware. alive.
and well
again.

the year of letting go

the year was about
staying in. not venturing too far.
not doing hard.
calming the thoughts in my head.
the trauma of what was.
letting it go.
and placing it at His feet.
not. so. easy.
but i am trying.
to allow it.
if i feel sad. i will be sad.
if i feel afraid. i will be afraid.
the trick is to not hold on.
but to let it go.
be sad. then let it go.
be afraid. then let it go.
2012.
the year of letting go.
stepping outside.
learning to breathe.
and trust.
that he will be ok.

{via Drifter and the Gypsy}

if you could hear me

i would offer these to you.

you just need a little

{images via here}

just because

sigh

i dream of you

there you are

{image unknown}

inspired

take me there

travelling heart

i'm not sure how far my heart has travelled this year.
but it has been a long way. a very long way.
how does it go?
all the way to the moon. and back?
i think that's how it goes.

the saddest summary

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.”
— Louis E. Boone

{image} passeriformes' flickr

will she

will she not just fly. but soar.
will she fall in love with a boy. with good hair.
that falls. just so.

will he be musical. and sporty.

and love her. with a sublime love.

an everlasting love.

will he see. what we see.

will she always forgive me. for loving her.

too much. for not always. getting it right.
will she believe in herself. truly.
will she understand. that to me she is perfect.

just the way she is. nothing added.

nothing taken away.
will she ever see the beauty that i see.

that everyone else sees.

will she find herself. and love herself.

every bump and scratch.
will she go to new york one day. without me.

will she always write on her hand. and drink tea.
will she take her time. will she stop and breathe.

dare to dream. and never forget.

how to be brave.

will she never settle for less. but stay true to herself.
will she not lose heart. nor take it to heart.
will she never stop learning. growing.

or wanting to know.
will she look out for the weak. or the sad.

like she does now.

love them. nurture them.
will she live near the beach after all. or end up.
somewhere cold. so she can play with snow.
will she remember how to make. paper cranes.
will she always be looking out. for number 13.
will she know that day 1 is always the hardest.
and that it gets easier.
after day 99.

will she always want pictures on her wall.

will she still want to go shopping. when we are older.

will she let me spoil her kids.
will she always carry the flame. the lamp to her feet.

and know how to find her way home.

will she miss me. when i am gone.

{images} 1. maggie lochtenberg's flickr 2. mike g.k.'s flickr 3. marcinethequeen flickr; 4. passeriformes' flickr